Brothers and Sisters from April 2007

It can be difficult to explain my family situation to my friends. My immediate family is not very big, consisting of my brother and I and my half-sister from my Dad's first marriage who is old enough to be my mother. My brother is married with two kids and my half-sister is married with a daughter who is older than I am and she has three kids of her own. Imagine what life was like when I was seven and my 16 year old niece was calling me Uncle Johnny around her friends.

My extended family is huge and since I come from an Italian-Catholic family, I have godparents, godbrothers, and a godsister. I refer to my godparents as my aunt and uncle, simply because my Aunt Von has been like a sister to my mother for almost 50 years now. They have either lived together or across the street from each other since they met in their early 20s. My aunt always refers to their relationship as the straightest Lesbo-couple you will ever meet. However, I know better because my aunt would be more of a Harley-Loving dyke and my Mom would definitely be of the lipstick variety. And opposites don't attract in this case. Because of that, I consider my aunt's kids my brothers and sisters. Random, I know. When you throw in their kids, a few dogs, cats, and various reptiles, it makes for one interesting holiday experience.

And this past Easter was no different.

It all started with dinner on Saturday night at my godparents home. Aunt Von made Lasagna and 11 of us sat down to what should have been a nice quiet dinner. While my biological brother and sister were not there, my entire "god-family" was around the table. As soon as my seven year old niece said the blessing, my sister raises her hand high in the air (mind you she is 34 years old) and starts screaming, "Who has secrets? Who has secrets? John, why don't you go first!" My brother follows up with "Come on John, let's tell everyone. I think you should just make the announcement now." This is the game that we play at all major family functions—who can outdo the other with ridiculous stories, tales, and half-truths.

So I decided to oblige them and their shenanigans. I proceeded to fabricate details of a series of rashes and how the doctor told me that the cream would take care of the burn, but the drip that was associated with it would have to go away on its own. And then there was the discussion prompted by my sister on smoking things. Use your imagination. The look of sheer horror on my mother's and my aunt's faces was priceless. Mom shook her head and said, "Can you believe the things these kids are saying?" And without skipping a beat, my aunt said "well, they don't know the half of what we did when we were their age." At most family dinner tables, pot-smoking, blow jobs, and other random sex-comments just don't make for good conversation. I wonder why around our table it has become so common!

My ambiguously gay god-brother has always been an instigator at these occasions. He always enjoys recalling my god-sister's summer neighborhood parades. Julia would spend hours choreographing these daily routines, including dance moves, music, and props. She would dress me up and make me prance (believe me when I say prance) to some sort of "Let's hear it for the boys" music, while the rest of the neighborhood kids were performing their part, as well. Did I mention that while I was prancing, I may have been carrying a baton or a boombox?!? Yes, friends…a boombox. And people wonder why I am the way I am today!! I think my brother enjoys discussing this so much because he wants to talk about my gayness more openly and live vicariously through me. Call it justification, but I call it just plain ol' hilarity. My mom and aunt just shake their heads.

When my uncle comes to the table for more lasagna, because his dining spot is in front of the tv watching a boxing match on ESPN with the volume at jet-engine levels so he can hear it, my sister looks at him and in a voice that she knows he can't hear but we all can, she says, "Hey Dad, I went black, is that ok? And I am still trying to come back!" He looks at her and smiles and says, "Yes, honey, that's great." He has no idea to what he just agreed and just scooped out more food. Fantastic.

But, I wouldn't have it any other way. These are the people who have molded, shaped, loved, protected, and encouraged me to become who I am today. A little dirty, but with a lot of heart and passion. Who needs a television show when our families can provide enough laughs, love, and conversation to fill a lifetime of episodes!

Be well, friends. And remember to call your family!